Once upon a time some weird girls were bored in the hallway before school started. One girl began to tell her audience about her imaginary boyfriend Patrick. He’s apparently a pretty cool kid–he works at Gospel Supplies and I believe he provides my friend (yes I’m ditching the third person viewpoint..and the past tense) with free Bibles.

I sat there listening to her speak about her boyfriend, and decided I needed one of my own. Now I know most people collect stamps or stuffed animals or just sit around and stare at corners when they are lonely (which I wasn’t, but whatever makes the retelling of this story better is clearly worth the overdramatic portrayal of my emotions at the time) but apparently I require a boyfriend whose lack of existence does not matter in the least.

His name is Leo Labello (the German word for chapstick!). He is eight feet tall but two of those feet are taken up by his stunning purple mohawk. He has neon yellow eyes (possibly because he poured bleach into them. Don’t worry, it didn’t affect his eyesight) and he is the world’s punkiest punk. His home is in the corner of the hallway where he spends his days skulking invisibly and glaring at those impudent enough to enter his corner and pretend he is not actually there.

Because he doesn’t like to be seen with me in public we have to communicate telepathically across the hallway. Now I realize this doesn’t appear to be romantic, but trust me–a punk and a nerd as a couple? I know he must be my imaginary true love simply because of the impossibility of the event. (Unfortunately for Leo, if some real guy ever came along he would be dumped on sight. Poor Leo.)

“To have each other in the midst of their unfortunate lives felt like having a sailboat in the middle of a hurricane, and to the Baudelaire orphans this felt very fortunate indeed.” —The Wide Window by Lemony Snicket

P.S. I realize the timing of this post was not the best. After all, yesterday was Valentine’s Day and no better day to talk about imaginary boyfriends can be found outside of February 14, but I suppose it’s too late to change now.